Covert Narcissism; Dementors in Human Forms & Gaslighting

We all came across the term 'Narcist' & 'Gaslighting'. We hear or say: 'Oh, he/she is a narcist', or this is 'gaslighting' or even say 'do not gaslight me'. However, do we understand the meaning of those terms? I will explain what it is, why covert narcissists are soul suckers, how they use 'gaslighting' to destroy you, and what you can do to protect yourself.

Covert

Let's break it down. What does it mean 'covert'? According to Collins's dictionary, it is concealed, hidden, disguised, a covert threat. According to the Oxford Dictionary, it is secret or hidden, making it difficult to notice.

Narcissism

Let's focus on 'a covert threat' and 'making it difficult to notice'. Those terms are essential in understanding' Covert Narcissism'. Keep that in mind for a moment, and let's find out what narcissism is. According to DSM, 'The essential feature of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy'…'. Those individuals have a grandiose sense of self-importance, overestimate their abilities, and underestimate and devalue others.

Dementors

Narcissists may appear friendly, helpful and nice or timid, shy and introverted. This is just a superficial appearance. At the core of who they are, they feel superior, special, unique and put their needs over others. They are selfish, self-absorbed, without consideration for others (lack empathy), controlling, insecure, seek constant validation and feel entitled; they think they deserve everything the best. However, you cannot see that at first glance. It is difficult to notice because they hide under a mask of charm. This is a problem because it consists of a covert threat, which you may see when deeply engaged in a relationship. When you are emotionally attached and often bound by other live arrangements such as having business or children, etc.. At some point, you feel that something is wrong; you see the mask falling, and what you see is a Dementor (a soul sucker from Harry Potter).

What is gaslighting?

There is an old movie, 'Gaslighting'. In this movie, there is a married couple; the husband is older than his wife. In those times, they used gaslights to light rooms. Once the wife lit the gaslights, she turned away, and her husband asked why she did not light the gaslights; she said that she did, but when she looked at the gaslights, they were off. Thus, this is the origin of the term gaslighting. Nowadays, gaslighters do similar things. The classic is when you put your keys away in a usual place, then you want to take them, and the keys are not there. Your gaslighter would say oh, you did not put them there. Another example is when my husband was putting away jewellery. I could not find it, but he pretended he did not move it away. This was happening all the time with various objects, so I started to sleep with all the essential staff, even when going out taking all important things with me. Once, when I went away and was alone abroad with all my jewellery, documents, etc. I had my reality check. I had quite a mess in my tiny apartment, but nothing was missing; everything was always there where I put it. At this point, I started to trust my perception, experience, memory and reality. However, till now, I have had my doubts from time to time.

Once, I was putting away my ex's phone, and I dropped it. At that moment, I had the intuition to check it; I even did the phone now but somehow got in some hidden options and found that he ex-texted him. I confronted him, and he said, Show me, show me. I showed him, and he deleted it and told me to prove it; there was nothing. You are crazy.

These are just a few examples. Still, we should know what is and what is not gaslighting. There is a rule: not everyone who gaslights is a narcissist, but every narcissist gaslight. Similarly, not every alcoholic is a narcissist, but every narcissist is an alcoholic.

What is not gaslighting?

For example, if you book a taxi and the taxi driver arrives at the wrong address, you gave the correct address, he put it into GPS and took them under the wrong one. You may say, 'Don't gaslight me, I gave you the correct address'. No, there is a mistake and an inconvenient situation, but this is not gaslighting.

Another example is when you go to the cinema. The movie starts at 7 pm. You came late not to watch the ads, and your friend says, 'You are late', 'No, I am not. The movie has yet to start, and your friend says, 'Do not gaslight me'. It is not gaslighting; this is a different perception of the situation.

A Process of Denial & Dismantling

Gaslighting appears in a trust-based close relationship (partnership, marriage, intimate relationship, friendship, or with your family). Moreover, it is not a single incident but an ongoing pattern of behaviour that aims to make you deny your perception, experience and reality—making you doubt your judgment, memory, emotions and environment.

Your Dementor dismantles you, so start to feel like you are crazy. For instance, he/she is constantly texting, and when you point it out, he/she says, 'What's wrong with you? Are you ok? You are mentally paranoid; you need therapy, etc.

Your Dementor may say you are paranoid, have dementia, or are crazy. Because this is an ongoing process, it works. You start feeling like you are losing your mind. You begin to doubt yourself; you may be very competent, but you are unsure about your own decisions.

How to help yourself?

It is emotional abuse, and you need to recognise and acknowledge it. To start healing, educate yourself and try to stay down to earth. Thus, when your Dementor tells you that you did not put the keys in the usual place, tell yourself, 'I know where the keys are' he/she is messing with. When you see that he/she is constantly texting, you tell yourself, I know that he/she is continuously texting; he/she is messing with me. I can see if someone is constantly texting or not; he/she is messing with me.

Thus, covert narcissists can be seen as Dementors in a human form. Selfish, lacking empathy abusers with a superficial charming persona. Therefore, they impose a covert threat that is difficult to notice. Gaslighting is one of their tools to abuse you emotionally. Gaslighting is an ongoing process that makes you doubt your perception, feelings, reality and sanity. To help yourself, you should educate yourself and seek help. Counselling with a counsellor familiar with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is highly recommended. Reality check, e.g. like I did when I went away and was alone for some time, is beneficial too.

If you feel like you need help and counselling, you can contact me or my friend, who is an experienced counsellor in DA and narcissistic abuse, Chvonne Parker: 07835397446.

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